My Confession of Doubt & Request for Prayer

"...He [Satan] was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

For the past few days, I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over again, especially that one little phrase: "There is no truth in him."

In case you don't know, I'm in the process right now of publishing my first book. It's called The Look that Kills: An Anorexic's Addiction to Control, and it should be available by the end of the summer. (In case you've never read my testimony, click here for a teaser of what the book is about.)

I'm so thankful that I wrote that account of my testimony within a few days of when it actually happened. I remember sobbing as I wrote it because I could remember each moment with such detail. I felt so overwhelmed, so thankful and so amazed that God would have gone to such great lengths to draw me back to Himself....even when I just took a baby step back in His direction (James 4:8).

But just a few weeks of the day when I fell, I began doubting it ever happened.

At first, I thought it was just me. After all, at that time, I had been extremely far from the Lord. When the doubts began, I was shocked and ashamed of my own disbelief.

The first time I was asked to share my testimony in public, my doubt was paralyzing. I wasn't even sure if I waa going to be able to go through with it.

Michelle....really? You went how long without eating and you ran how far? Is that even physically possible?

Michelle, you love telling great stories. are you sure your testimony just wasn't up to your standard? And if the story you're telling isn't even true, do you really think God would even use it?

Finally, from beginning to read the Bible again, something triggered. This was spiritual warfare. This didn't mean that I was super spiritual or that I was so special that Satan was attacking me. It just meant that Satan was literally using his oldest trick in the book.

This trick he was using went all the way back to the Garden of Eden when he tempted Eve: "Did God really say that?" (Genesis 3:1).

Thankfully, though each time before I share my testimony, Satan seems to creep these doubts back into my mind, God is bigger. Those close to me know about my struggles, and they are faithful to pray for me specifically as I am preparing to share my story with others.

But now that I am just a mere weeks away from the release of my story being released into the public, these doubts have escalated to a new level. It's to the point to where as I am turning off my alarm clock, I have to immediately begin praying for God's protection. I can't let my guard down for a second.

For example, this past week, I was a rushed getting ready in the morning, and I was going to have to have my quiet time later than usual. Those few hours were exhausting, as Satan delivered one low blow after another. (I mean, who likes the thought of standing before God in judgement and being asked why I created a new testimony when He had already given me one?)

I am still going to begin everyday with personal dependency on the Lord to begin praying as soon as my feet hit the floor. After all, I know that I should not "be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). But I also know James 5:16 says "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

That's why I am asking you to join me in prayer that the doubts will cease -- that not a single second of God's glory will be robbed by insecurity planted by the enemy. I want to be able to tell my story with full confidence in Christ.

If you don't know exactly the words to pray, that's fine. Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Please just lift me up whenever the Holy Spirit brings me to your mind.

Ironically enough, I had doubts of whether I should write this blog or not. Friday afternoon, I decided to just write it. When I was finished, I would decide whether or not to publish it. So poured my heart out as I have just done. Then, when I clicked "publish post," my server timed out, and I lost everything. That's when I knew I had to publish it.

Satan didn't want God's people joining in prayer against him. He liked me trying to fight the battle alone - because he knew he stood a better chance of beating me down that way.

But I know that my God is bigger than any enemy and prayer is more powerful than any insecurity or doubt that Satan can muster. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your prayers. I am confident that as I stand with Christ who strengthens me, with the support of my brothers and sisters in Him, Satan will not get any victory from my life.

"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven. Of this you have heard before in the word of the truth, the gospel, which has come to you, as indeed in the whole world it is bearing fruit and growing—as it also does among you, since the day you heard it and understood the grace of God in truth." - Colossians 1:3-6

Sidenote: If you are interesting in learning more about spiritual warfare, this is one of my favorite resources on the subject:

Gettin' Sassy with Satan

Job 2:2
"The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Then Satan answered the LORD and said, "From roaming about on the earth and walking around on it."

Not exactly a lovely thought, huh? From this verse, it sounds like we could just bump into Satan at Target! He's just hanging out where we live...and his goal is to make us stumble in our faith. Oh, and he won't make it easy on you. Contrary to cartoon depictions and popular belief, he more than likely won't appear to you in the form of a little red guy with horns carrying a pitchfork. But when you find yourself in a situation where you have the choice to compromise your Christian testimony, you can bet that Satan is near.

I would love to tell you that Satan is dumb. Unfortunately, he's not. He's pretty crafty... much smarter than we would like for him to be. (Side note: He's also not nearly as smart as we sometimes give him credit for. There will be more about that in a later post.) However, it sometimes seems like he knows just where to get us - individually. Every Christian struggles with certain sins. Have you noticed that Satan always seem to hit you where you are most volunerable? Of course he does. He has a purpose - to make you give into his temptation.

It's exactly like a man who is going to propose to his girlfriend. Do you think he would propose if he thought she would say no? Not unless he just enjoys rejection. Satan tempts you in areas he knows you are likely to give in and say yes.

Do you know situations that you would be likely to give in to temptation? Personally, Satan likes to attack me in my physical appearance...specifically, my weight. I battled anorexia for four years, and I'm much better now. However, he still uses the same lies to try and make me fall back into old habits. It's important to know the areas where you are more likely to fall for Satan's tricks so you can be prepared when he attacks.

Do you know how to protect yourself from His temptations? Ephesians 4:27 says, "Do not even give Satan a foothold." Don't put yourselves in situations where you could be tempted. For example, I don't keep full-length mirrors in my house. When I stand in front of one, there's always the chance that Satan will start filling my head with lies. It doesn't eliminate the problem...but since I stopped keeping full length mirrors, I find myself in that situation much less.

Your struggles may be completely different that mine. Maybe you feel pressured to party with your friends. Instead of waitinf for them to invite you to do something that you know you shouldn't do, could you take control of the situation and plan a night of clean fun? Maybe you are so in love with your boyfriend, and you just don't want to wait any longer. It would probably be best to limit the time you two spend alone.

Maybe you are thinking, "I don't struggle with any of those things! I must be okay." Really? What if you walk up to group of friends, and they are talking about another girl you know? Do you join in on the gossip? Do you just stand there and not participate? Or would you have the courage to ask them to stop? If that doesn't work, do you walk away? Here's the bottom line: Your relationship with Christ is too precious. Don't put yourself in situations where you would be in danger of compromising your Christian standards.

These are all situations where Satan lies to you by whispering in your ear things like, "It's okay. It's just one time. No one is around, so no one will find out. You know if you speak up, your friends will make fun of you. Nobody's perfect. It's alright to mess up every once in a while. You're supposed to mess up."

DON'T FALL FOR IT. Do you realize who you are listening to if you give in to Satan's lies? The Bible refers to him with such terms as the devil, adversary, evil one, murderer, liar, thief, tempter, accuser of the brethren, prince of demons, and god of this world. He is in constant rebellion against God. Through his influence, Satan generates discord, deception, and disobedience among human beings.

In Christ, Satan is already defeated, and his dominion and influence as god of this world will cease at Christ’s return. (Luke 10:18; Revelation 12:9; 1 Peter 5:8; John 8:44; Job 1:6-12; Zechariah 3:1-2; Revelation 12:10; 2 Corinthians 4:4; Revelation 20:1-3; Hebrews 2:14; 1 John 3:8) If you've read the Bible, specifically the book of Revelation, you know the end of the story. God wins, and Satan loses. You have nothing to be afraid of because the battle is as good as over. As long as you are a child of God, NO ONE and NOTHING can take you from Him.

But here's my question. Do you take that attitude with Satan? Do you let him know that he is defeated by the One who lives in you? Or do you tip toe timidly around him - afraid that he will convince you to give in?

Imagine being at a football game. You are with your best friend. You are cheering for opposite teams. She has gone on and on about how her team is going to destroy yours. She's pestered you, sent jeering text messages, talked smack on Facebook. At the end of the first half, your team is up by seven. By the third quarter, her team's offense can't even seem to move the ball. With five seconds left to go, your team has ran up a score SO HIGH on her's that it looks like a basketball scoreboard.

Now, dear Christian friend, tell me. Would you sit back in those last five seconds and be afraid that her team would make up the difference? NO! If you're like me, you won't start your victory dance, pull out your cell phone and ask again, "Now wait a second, when you said your team was going to make us cry, did you mean tears of joy? Because we won. Can you see the scoreboad? Seriously. My eyesight is bad. Can you read it for me? A little louder? I'm sorry. What did you say? WHICH TEAM is it who won? So if we won, does that mean that your team lost? Can you say that again? It sounds so nice." (Yeah, you don't want to lose to me.)

In all seriousness...don't waste that awesome attitude on a friend. USE IT ON THE ENEMY! Get sassy with Satan!

And you know what makes him really mad? Don't use your own words. I mean, as fantastic as my Christian smack is, my words are nothing compared to God's Word! Quote Scripture. Seriously. He can't refute it. He can't beat it. When Jesus was tempted in Matthew 4, (another passage will will look at in more detail in a later post) that's exactly how He got Satan to beat it. And God has armed us with the same weapon!

I've been known on more than one occassion to retort back to Satan's lies about my appearance with the "Michelle Version" of Psalm 45:11. "Oh yeah? Well, guess what, Satan? My King is enthralled with MY beauty! And I will honor Him, and NOT YOU, for He is my Lord!" Oh, and you can bet my neck is working the whole time.

Memorize Scripture that teaches against where Satan tempts you. When you find youtself in that situation, SAY THE SCRIPTURE, and SAY IT SASSY!

John 10:27-30 quotes Jesus saying, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one." Once you belong to the Lord, Satan will never be able to get you. The Lord is too strong.

Take that, Satan.