My Confession of Doubt & Request for Prayer

"...He [Satan] was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

For the past few days, I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over again, especially that one little phrase: "There is no truth in him."

In case you don't know, I'm in the process right now of publishing my first book. It's called The Look that Kills: An Anorexic's Addiction to Control, and it should be available by the end of the summer. (In case you've never read my testimony, click here for a teaser of what the book is about.)

I'm so thankful that I wrote that account of my testimony within a few days of when it actually happened. I remember sobbing as I wrote it because I could remember each moment with such detail. I felt so overwhelmed, so thankful and so amazed that God would have gone to such great lengths to draw me back to Himself....even when I just took a baby step back in His direction (James 4:8).

But just a few weeks of the day when I fell, I began doubting it ever happened.

At first, I thought it was just me. After all, at that time, I had been extremely far from the Lord. When the doubts began, I was shocked and ashamed of my own disbelief.

The first time I was asked to share my testimony in public, my doubt was paralyzing. I wasn't even sure if I waa going to be able to go through with it.

Michelle....really? You went how long without eating and you ran how far? Is that even physically possible?

Michelle, you love telling great stories. are you sure your testimony just wasn't up to your standard? And if the story you're telling isn't even true, do you really think God would even use it?

Finally, from beginning to read the Bible again, something triggered. This was spiritual warfare. This didn't mean that I was super spiritual or that I was so special that Satan was attacking me. It just meant that Satan was literally using his oldest trick in the book.

This trick he was using went all the way back to the Garden of Eden when he tempted Eve: "Did God really say that?" (Genesis 3:1).

Thankfully, though each time before I share my testimony, Satan seems to creep these doubts back into my mind, God is bigger. Those close to me know about my struggles, and they are faithful to pray for me specifically as I am preparing to share my story with others.

But now that I am just a mere weeks away from the release of my story being released into the public, these doubts have escalated to a new level. It's to the point to where as I am turning off my alarm clock, I have to immediately begin praying for God's protection. I can't let my guard down for a second.

For example, this past week, I was a rushed getting ready in the morning, and I was going to have to have my quiet time later than usual. Those few hours were exhausting, as Satan delivered one low blow after another. (I mean, who likes the thought of standing before God in judgement and being asked why I created a new testimony when He had already given me one?)

I am still going to begin everyday with personal dependency on the Lord to begin praying as soon as my feet hit the floor. After all, I know that I should not "be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). But I also know James 5:16 says "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

That's why I am asking you to join me in prayer that the doubts will cease -- that not a single second of God's glory will be robbed by insecurity planted by the enemy. I want to be able to tell my story with full confidence in Christ.

If you don't know exactly the words to pray, that's fine. Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Please just lift me up whenever the Holy Spirit brings me to your mind.

Ironically enough, I had doubts of whether I should write this blog or not. Friday afternoon, I decided to just write it. When I was finished, I would decide whether or not to publish it. So poured my heart out as I have just done. Then, when I clicked "publish post," my server timed out, and I lost everything. That's when I knew I had to publish it.

Satan didn't want God's people joining in prayer against him. He liked me trying to fight the battle alone - because he knew he stood a better chance of beating me down that way.

But I know that my God is bigger than any enemy and prayer is more powerful than any insecurity or doubt that Satan can muster. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your prayers. I am confident that as I stand with Christ who strengthens me, with the support of my brothers and sisters in Him, Satan will not get any victory from my life.

"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven. Of this you have heard before in the word of the truth, the gospel, which has come to you, as indeed in the whole world it is bearing fruit and growing—as it also does among you, since the day you heard it and understood the grace of God in truth." - Colossians 1:3-6

Sidenote: If you are interesting in learning more about spiritual warfare, this is one of my favorite resources on the subject: