Mean Girls in the Church?

Bullying. It's all over the news. Suicides. Accidental deaths. Petitions. Required teacher training. Just yesterday, I read in the news that Facebook has even developed an application to allow users to reach out for help if they experience cyberbullying.

The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center reports 1 in 3 students are involved with bullying. Gender is not an issue. Girls are just as involved with bullying as boys are...yet their bullying strategies are very different.

Hebrews 4:12 says, "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

I was reminded of this verse as I read 1 Timothy 3 this morning. Listing requirements for deacons and overseers, while men are warned against violence and their tempers, women are warned against being malicious gossips. Titus 2 reflects similar instruction.

Sadly, "mean girls" aren't confined to high school, or even to secular places. I've heard some of the most caddy comments at events that were supposed to be honoring Christ. A few of the worst rumors I've ever heard have been shared as prayer requests.

I'll admit it - I'm far from perfect in this year. But God gave me one truth this morning that I feel I should share: Women who walk with Christ are our allies - not our enemies. It's that simple. It doesn't matter if she's a cheerleader and you're in the drama club...if you're married and she's not...or if you can't see past your flaws and she seems perfect. We are all on the same team.

Of course, we're different. 1 Corinthians 12 compares the body of Christ to our physical bodies. We are composed of many different parts, but we need each of them to function properly. One part of our body is no less important than another. Just the same, we need Christians with different abilities, personalities and purposes.

I love this challenge from Elisabeth Elliot: "The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman." As much as we may be different, the bottom line is that we are the same kind of different.

God, I don't want to say anything negative about a woman who is striving to life for you. Lord, allow me to see how you have crafted her to do Your will, and help me to appreciate her as You do. Father, even if she has wronged me, remind me of all the times I have failed others and failed You. Thank you for Your forgiveness and Your grace. Help me to be more like You.

Spiritually Fit

In less than 2 weeks, I am heading home to Knoxville. I am so excited to get to see my family and be in a city where the leaves actually change colors in the fall. (Texas, as much as I love you, you will never be as pretty as Tennessee. It just won't happen.)

I am also really excited to have two opportunities to share Christ's love - once with Fairview Baptist Church's women's ministry on Friday, Oct. 8 and the following day at Cedar Springs Christian Store on Clinton Highway from 12-3pm for a book signing.

Because of my fitness ministry, Myers Cross Training, I've been asked to speak at the women's banquet about being spiritually fit. For the past few weeks, I've had a blast digging into Scripture for God to show me what to share with these awesome ladies.

Check out Ephesians 3:14-21.

I was immediate struck by Paul's prayer by four desires that God has for us.

1) Glorious Inner Strength (aka the very same power that raised Christ from the dead!)

2) Christ's Presence in our Lives

3) Knowledge of His Love

4) Recognition that He is more capable to move greater in our lives than we have the knowledge to request....or even imagine.

I wonder if anyone is reading this post who has neglected to relinquish full control of their life over to God. Take it from someone who has tried and failed: If you think you can make better decisions than He can, you can't. If you are convinced you can live life alone, you're wrong.

Read the truths again. Won't you trust the character of the One True God who has such incredible desires for your life?

Little Sins

"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all." - James 2:10

Bet you've never seen that verse cross-stitched in a pillow.

It's sad, but it's true. Think about the verses that you have memorized, that are hanging in frames around your house, that are etched on the walls of your church. We choose to display the pretty verses - the ones that talk about God's love, His grace, and His mercy.

Not that God isn't any of those things - He most certainly is! But I can't help but think...If we really want to grow in our faith and challenge ourselves to be more like Christ, we have to be reminded of some of Scripture's tougher truths....like the verse at the top of this post.

If you truly want to know how to live out your faith, the book of James is a great place to start. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He calls out the readers for being of the world, and He pushes them towards God to seek wisdom.

In this passage, James is in the middle of calling out the church for showing partiality - for favoring people in their congregations who wear fine clothes in jewelry over those who can't afford as much.

Now, they weren't kicking them out of the service. They were allowed to stay. But from the text, it's obvious that the poor people weren't as welcomed into the church as those who were wealthy.

As Christians, if we labeled the sin of partiality, it would fall into the "little sins" category. You know, little sins are not near as bad a "big sins" like adultery, murder, stealing, etc.

Yet, when we look at James 2:10, God doesn't seem to have the same categorization system for sins as we do.

Now, this verse doesn't mean that if you steal, God automatically put you down for committing the other nine commandments too. But it does mean that if you sin in one area, you're every bit as guilty for sin as someone who has broken all of God's laws.

To this day, I've never touched alcohol. I didn't smoke cigarettes or even think about experimenting with drugs. I didn't have sex until I was married. And I was appalled by those who did.

But my heart didn't ache for them because they had acted against God's holiness. I was just disappointed in them and satisfied that I would never do such a thing.

You know what that's called?

Pride. It's a sin.

I elevated myself above them just because of a category of behaviors that I didn't participate in. And that arrogance in my heart disgusted God just as much as any substance abuse or premarital sex.

Over the next few months, I want to study the "little sins" category we've created: lying, jealousy, bitterness/lack of forgiveness, judging, pride, arrogance, greed, worldliness, selfishness, etc. If you can think of an area you want me to explore, please leave a comment on this post, and I'll add it to my list.

True Beauty: Transparency

Over the past few weeks, I've opened my inbox to have several emails from people I don't know. The email addresses are different, but the content is essentially the same. They are all from women who have trusted Jesus Christ as their Savior, they have read my recently-published book, and like me, they have at one point in their life, either now or previously, battled an eating disorder.

I've had ups and downs reading their notes. Sometimes, I can identify with their stories so well that I am brought to tears. Other times, I rejoice so loudly with their victory in Jesus over their past destructive behavior, I wake James up. (I check my emails in the morning, and I get up before him - whoops!)

However, today, I got a particular email that broke my heart more than others. Though this young woman has definitely had her share of struggle, it wasn't the details of her eating disorder, or even her depression, that devastated me.

She wrote...

"Last night, I told my sister and a handful of close friends [about my struggle with the eating disorder.] It is amazing to see how the Lord is already working through it. I have a few good friends who are currently struggling with eating disorders. I would have never been able to understand or relate, nor would they have ever told me, if I wasn't first upfront and vulnerable in front of them."

Three things in this paragraph caught my eye.

1. Of the handful of close friends she told who she knew she could count on to pray, a few of them (defined as at least 3 or more) are currently struggling with an eating disorder.

Maybe we've allowed ourselves to become immune to the statistics:

- 1 in 5 women currently have an eating disorder.

- 90% of the women who do have eating disorders are between the ages of 12-25.

- Twenty percent of the women who do survive anorexia will die prematurely due to health conditions caused by the eating disorder.

But those statistics don't represent numbers - they represent people. And they aren't strangers - they are people you know. She's the woman who sits in front of you on Sunday mornings in church. She's the student who walked by you on campus today. She's the young girl who just joined the youth group. She may even be your daughter, your mother....maybe even the pastor's wife.

We have all of the research, so being uneducated can't be the reason we don't act upon it. Certainly, we can't believe this type of unhealthy lifestyle is acceptable, so that can't be why we don't respond. Yet, remaining silent certainly takes less time and energy than dealing with the consequences of our actions or attempting to change.

2. If one person is willing to be vulnerable, others will follow.

The next time you're at church, test my "fine disease" theory. Ask five people how they are doing, and at least four of them will quickly respond to you, "Fine." Of course they are. I'm fine, you're fine...all of God's people are just fine!

We want to appear confident. Put-together. Solid. Because somehow, we have wrongly associated lack of difficulty in our life with godliness.

Wrong.

Don't believe me? Just check out Psalm 34:19 and 2 Timothy 3:12.

Persecution and affliction are not a maybe thing when you walk with Christ. It's not even a most-likely thing. It's a promise.

But what happens when we keep our struggles inside? We quietly pray, hoping that no one notices any broken pieces we haven't frantically tried to glue back together. When God restores the situation, we silently bow our heads and give Him praise.

Do you see what's wrong with this picture? We give God a golf clap (which is way lame, if you ask me, and one of the many reasons why I choose to watch football instead) when we should be wearing His jersey, jumping up and down, screaming with excitement as He runs us into the end zone!

Every time I share about my shortcomings in my walk with Christ, people line up to talk to me afterwards. Many times, it's just to utter the two words that were actually the subject line of the email I've referred to in this post: "Me too."

3. As soon as this young woman opened her mouth and shared her struggles, God started working in her life...and in the lives around her.

One of my favorite passages in Scripture is 2 Corinthians 4:5-9:

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

For this to make sense, we have to remember that "jars of clay" is an ancient metaphor for human weakness. So if you were just to isolate that one passage, it reads:

"But we have this treasure in human weakness to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

Make it even more personal: We have an opportunity in our human weakness to show others the power of God.

Picture for one second that you are that clay jar. Imperfection happens. Maybe it's anorexia, but maybe you struggle in another area: jealousy, gossip, sexual sin, drugs, lying. Maybe you're struggling in your marriage or maybe you're compromising your morals at work. But when you try to piece yourself back together, you're just a clay pot with a bunch of dull cracks.

However, when you share your struggles with others, when you admit your imperfections....that is when His light can shine through you to penetrate into the lives of others. And where does the light shine the brightest - in the pieces that are solid and held together? No. God's light shines brightest through the cracks of the jar of clay...in our human weakness.

Instead of seeing transparency as messy and broken, can we recognize it as the opportunity for God's light to shine brightly through us?

Transparency is beautiful.

Let Him bust down your wall.

Let him peel off your mask.

Allow Him to mold you into the very person He created you to be.

My Confession of Doubt & Request for Prayer

"...He [Satan] was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

For the past few days, I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over again, especially that one little phrase: "There is no truth in him."

In case you don't know, I'm in the process right now of publishing my first book. It's called The Look that Kills: An Anorexic's Addiction to Control, and it should be available by the end of the summer. (In case you've never read my testimony, click here for a teaser of what the book is about.)

I'm so thankful that I wrote that account of my testimony within a few days of when it actually happened. I remember sobbing as I wrote it because I could remember each moment with such detail. I felt so overwhelmed, so thankful and so amazed that God would have gone to such great lengths to draw me back to Himself....even when I just took a baby step back in His direction (James 4:8).

But just a few weeks of the day when I fell, I began doubting it ever happened.

At first, I thought it was just me. After all, at that time, I had been extremely far from the Lord. When the doubts began, I was shocked and ashamed of my own disbelief.

The first time I was asked to share my testimony in public, my doubt was paralyzing. I wasn't even sure if I waa going to be able to go through with it.

Michelle....really? You went how long without eating and you ran how far? Is that even physically possible?

Michelle, you love telling great stories. are you sure your testimony just wasn't up to your standard? And if the story you're telling isn't even true, do you really think God would even use it?

Finally, from beginning to read the Bible again, something triggered. This was spiritual warfare. This didn't mean that I was super spiritual or that I was so special that Satan was attacking me. It just meant that Satan was literally using his oldest trick in the book.

This trick he was using went all the way back to the Garden of Eden when he tempted Eve: "Did God really say that?" (Genesis 3:1).

Thankfully, though each time before I share my testimony, Satan seems to creep these doubts back into my mind, God is bigger. Those close to me know about my struggles, and they are faithful to pray for me specifically as I am preparing to share my story with others.

But now that I am just a mere weeks away from the release of my story being released into the public, these doubts have escalated to a new level. It's to the point to where as I am turning off my alarm clock, I have to immediately begin praying for God's protection. I can't let my guard down for a second.

For example, this past week, I was a rushed getting ready in the morning, and I was going to have to have my quiet time later than usual. Those few hours were exhausting, as Satan delivered one low blow after another. (I mean, who likes the thought of standing before God in judgement and being asked why I created a new testimony when He had already given me one?)

I am still going to begin everyday with personal dependency on the Lord to begin praying as soon as my feet hit the floor. After all, I know that I should not "be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). But I also know James 5:16 says "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

That's why I am asking you to join me in prayer that the doubts will cease -- that not a single second of God's glory will be robbed by insecurity planted by the enemy. I want to be able to tell my story with full confidence in Christ.

If you don't know exactly the words to pray, that's fine. Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Please just lift me up whenever the Holy Spirit brings me to your mind.

Ironically enough, I had doubts of whether I should write this blog or not. Friday afternoon, I decided to just write it. When I was finished, I would decide whether or not to publish it. So poured my heart out as I have just done. Then, when I clicked "publish post," my server timed out, and I lost everything. That's when I knew I had to publish it.

Satan didn't want God's people joining in prayer against him. He liked me trying to fight the battle alone - because he knew he stood a better chance of beating me down that way.

But I know that my God is bigger than any enemy and prayer is more powerful than any insecurity or doubt that Satan can muster. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your prayers. I am confident that as I stand with Christ who strengthens me, with the support of my brothers and sisters in Him, Satan will not get any victory from my life.

"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven. Of this you have heard before in the word of the truth, the gospel, which has come to you, as indeed in the whole world it is bearing fruit and growing—as it also does among you, since the day you heard it and understood the grace of God in truth." - Colossians 1:3-6

Sidenote: If you are interesting in learning more about spiritual warfare, this is one of my favorite resources on the subject:

Does God's Presence Shine Through Me?

This morning, I was reading in Exodus 34. Moses has spent 40 days and nights on Mount Sinai with the Lord. During this time, Moses begged God to let him see His glory. God could only allow Moses to see His back, because God said "no man can see Me and live (Exodus 33:20). God also entrusted Moses with the Ten Commandments. So 40 days later, Moses comes back down the mountain, Aaron and the other Israelite leaders were afraid to come near him. Moses had to have been confused.
Exodus 34:29 says that Moses didn't know that his skin of his face was shining because of Him speaking with the Lord. Yes, you read that right. His skin was shining! This served as proof to the Israelites that Moses' words came straight from the One true God.

There are a few things I learned from Moses in this passage so God's love will shine through me:

1) I have to spend time with the Lord daily -- without distraction.

In Exodus 34:2, God says to Moses, "Be ready by the morning..." Now, I'm not going to say this will work for everyone, but I know that for me, this is the only time I can give God my undivided attention. Before I even look at my email, begin to think about work, or even the responsibilities around my home, I know that the morning is the best time I can spend with God without interruption. If I wait until later in the day, it seems my cell phone is ringing, an appointment gets shifted, or another responsibility pops into my mind. Beginning my day with God gives Him priority. It aligns my heart to think about Him first. My relationship with Him comes before anything else in my life. I trust that when He is my top priority, He will take care of everything else.

2) My personal relationship with God must be just that -- individual.

Exodus 34:3 instructs Moses to come up to the mountain alone - not even to let flocks graze opposite of the mountain. Just because my husband's a Godly man, just because my dad is a pastor, just because I attend church every Sunday....that will not save me. I have to have my own alone time with Christ. Fellowship with other believers is important, but intimacy develops with alone time. If you NEVER had one-on-one time with your spouse, would that effect your intimacy? Of course. It is the same way with our relationship with Christ. Spending time reading His word, conversing with Him in prayer, even singing worship solos to Him is ultimately the best way for me to fall deeper in love with Christ.

3) With obedience and preparation, I must go above and beyond to make sure my personal time with the Lord happens.

Exodus 34:4 discusses Moses' obedience to do just as the Lord says. Also, Moses knew the Lord was going to tell him important things, so he took two stone tablets with Him. I don't know if you've ever been hiking - but it's tough! As a fitness fanatic, the first time I ever climbed a mountain, I was underprepared for the physical exertion I was about to go through! Not only did Moses do that, but he did it lugging two large stone tablets. Some days, spending quality time with the Lord is going to be a struggle. It's going to be inconvenient. But Moses knew that He needed to be prepared to share what God was going to teach him with the Israelites, so he did what was necessary. It may mean getting up an extra hour early. It may mean shuffling some of my schedule around. But it always boils down to this fact: I've never regretted a single moment that I've spend with the Lord.

4) I must surrender everything I am to be 100% humbly His.

When the Lord passed before Him, Moses "quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshipped" (Exodus 34:8). I can't let pride, selfish ambition or anything else get in the way of remembering that anything that I am in a result of everything God is. I cannot do anything on my own power, and nothing I have belongs to me. It has simply been entrusted to me by the God of the universe. Exodus 34:29 says that Moses didn't even know that His face was shining. Moses wasn't gloating about His time spent with the Lord. His humility allowed God to shine through Him.

5. I must get rid of things in my life that do not push me closer to God.

Moses went without food and water for the 40 days that he was on the mountain (Exodus 34:28). He wanted to be that focused on God. This is not limited to food, though I think fasting is an important spiritual practice. However, I need to continually ask myself - is there anything in my life that is holding me back from what God has called me to do? Hebrews 12:1-3 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Have you ever been around one of those people where Jesus' love just radiated out of them? Of course, I could name dozens of pastors and Christian speakers who regularly reflect Christ. However, when I am outside the church and can tell by the light in someone's eyes, the passion of their words, the kindness of the heart WHO their life belongs to...I am so overwhelmed by the greatness of God. When His influence over a person captives who they are, it inspires me to be more and do more for Christ.

To those people in my life, I say thank you. I need the accountability. I'm praying that my life will be a shining example for the Lord....just as brightly as Moses' face was before the Israelites.

Expanding the Harvest

Matthew 9:37-38
"Then He [Jesus] said to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore, beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into the harvest."

I grew up with a dad who is a minister of music. Now, I'm married to a young adults' pastor. I don't know what it's like to live life when your family works outside the realm of ministry. I've spent so much time in the churches were my dad and husband previously and currently serve, I'm pretty sure I could walk through the buildings blindfolded, giving detailed descriptions of what I was passing.

I've taught Sunday School, children's choir, youth Bible study and women's discipleship groups. I've been a member of church choirs, praise teams and the youth orchestra (even though, I'm pretty sure my flute playing wasn't much more than a joyful noise.) I've made phone calls to visitors, written articles for church magazines, changed diapers in the nursery, stacked chairs, decorated the atrium for holidays, washed communion dishes and counted heads on youth camp buses.

Knowing the audience of incredible Christian women that read this blog, as a general rule, I'm pretty certain most of you can identify with me. There probably aren't many roles of service at the church you haven't participated in at one point in your life.

First of all, let me say that serving God inside His house has always been and will always be an important part of my life. It is my personal conviction to never be a "benchwarmer" at my church. I always want to be active in at least one of my church's ministries. But today, as I was reading these verses, I couldn't help but think, "When Jesus talked about the harvest, he wasn't just talking about serving the church."

How do I serve God by my interactions with my family?

How do I serve God at my job?

How do I serve God in the city where I live?

How do I serve God by the treatment I give the people He puts in my life?

Whether you refer to it as the pareto principle, the 80-20 rule or the law of the vital few, we see similar statistics in the church: Twenty percent of the church does 80% of the work, in reference to serving, tithing, etc. Of course, every church is different, and we'll never really know the accuracy of this estimate. But I wonder - if you stepped down from one of your volunteer positions at your church, wouldn't that provide someone else with the opportunity to step up?

When I moved to Texas, I was concerned about the holes I was leaving at my home church. Particularly, I felt like I was abandoning our student ministry, leaving them without a female intern and short-handing our worship ministry without a praise team member and frequent soloist. I can't believe I thought so highly of myself that I doubted God would provide someone to fill my shoes.

But guess what? God did send others in my place. My home church never skipped a beat. In fact, whenever I visit and I talk to those who are serving where I previously did, I can see not only how blessed the ministries I left behind are, but I see how blessed those serving in my place have been....just as I was when I was serving there.

So if you find yourself having the "yes disease," with a plate full of service already, here's some advice I got from one of my mentors: "The next time you are approached with a new ministry to serve in, instead of dwelling on potentially saying that dreaded word 'no,' perhaps you should think of it as an opportunity for someone else to be blessed to say, 'yes.'"

Our God does incredible things. He is very much alive and active in today' world. Let's imagine that the pareto principle is true within the church. Can you imagine what more the church could do for our awesome if the workers expanded to 21%? Maybe 30%? What about 50%?

Along the same lines, if you relinquished some of your volunteer responsibilities within the church walls, would that open up other opportunities in your life to go into the harvest? Could you start a Bible study among your co-workers? Could you create a prayer group with ladies in your neighborhood? Would you just have an open evening in your schedule so you could have a family who is struggling financially over for dinner?

My prayer this morning is that I would be open to the Spirit's leading, wherever God would call me to serve - whether inside the church or outside of it. One thing I am certain: There is plenty of work to be done, and my desire is to be one of the workers and faithfully pray for God to send more.

Choosing Rejection

I am rejected on almost a daily basis. I make it my personal mission to get at least one person off the treadmill and into my class when I teach at the gym. However, this doesn't come without some rolled eyes, rude comments and being obviously ignored.

But it really doesn't bother me. The people who reject me...I don't know what's going on in their life or what their day has been like. What I do know is that I am certified in great formats that promise a better workout than they could do themselves and that the people in my classes would make awesome workout buddies. When they don't come to my class, I don't really focus on their rejection of me. It's not personal. They don't know me. I just regret that they are cheating themselves.

I've developed a similar philosophy with sharing the Gospel. I memorized Luke 10:16 at a young age, so I've always known that when I share the opportunity of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and it is rejected, they are not rejecting me, but rejecting God. Yet, I really got a peace in my heart with this issue while reading Acts 18.

Paul was testifying that Jesus was the Son of God in the synagogue at Corinth when the Jews opposed Him and became abusive. Paul "shook out his clothes in protest and said to them, 'Your blood me on your own heads! I am clear of my responsibility. From now on, I will go to the Gentiles.' Then Paul left the synagogue and went next door to the house of Titius Justus, a worshipper of God. Crispus, the synagogue ruler, and his entire household believed in the Lord; and many of the Corinthians who heard him believed and were baptized" (Acts 18:6-7).

Paul didn't waste time arguing with them. He didn't take a long walk to blow off steam and gather his composure. He simply shared what the Lord had laid on his heart in the synagogue. When the Jews rejected him, he simply walked next door and shared with someone else.

While I seem to have a grasp on this type of rejection, there is another rejection that I don't handle as well. It's the rejection of those that are closest to me - whether blood family or friends that are as close as family - that type of rejection crushes my soul. It tears me up so much that almost daily, I pray for peace in my close relationships.

God has blessed me with an incredible support system on this earth, so I haven't had to experience this type of rejection much, but each time it has happened, it rips me apart. The situations vary, but the issue remains the same. Their actions communicate that they value something else more than their relationship with me.

First of all, let me say that I don't expect to be the first priority in anyone's life. God should always come first, and immediate family comes next. I am second priority only to my husband. For everyone else in my life, I fall third or after in their list of priorities. That's not hard for me to deal with. That simply lets me know that their values are in order.

When it gets tough is when the actions of someone I love deeply convey they value me somewhere after having highlighted hair or that can make time for me as long as it is convenient for them. I know for a fact they would never list their priorities this way, but actions prove stronger than words every time. Gandhi was right when he said, "Actions express priorities."

The last time I experienced this, I was praying for someone who had rejected me. Deeply wounded in my heart, I came before the Lord in tears, just praying for the words to say. Wanting the God of comfort, I cried out for His understanding.

I got what I prayed for, but it wasn't what I expected. I wanted His understanding in my personal situation. I wanted empathy for the person who had hurt me, but what I got went way beyond that.

God simply said, "Michelle, the piercing that you feel in your heart right now, that gut-wrenching pain of the rejection of someone that you love so much and feel like you would do anything for...that's just a piece of what you've done to Me."

The rejection I felt was numbed by the guilt of knowing that my Father's words were true. He created a beautiful world for me to live in. He knit me together in my mother's womb and gave me a purpose. And He sent His only Son to die for me.

Yet sometimes, I watch TV in place of having personal time with Him. I save my prayer time until the very end of the day when I am exhausted, and I fall asleep halfway through my first sentence. Or I take time to pray to Him, telling Him everthing I desire, but I immediately move on to the next activity, not leaving time to listen for His reponse.

Now, my personal rejection seemed insignificant in comparison to Jesus' sacrifice. He was cruicified by the very ones He came to save. His closest friends couldn't even stay awake to pray for Him on the hardest day of His life. One of his disciples who had been with him since the beginning of his ministry was willing to betray him for just 30 pieces of silver.

As I child, my pastor frequently reminded us, "If you want to know what your priorities are, check your calendar and check your checkbook." Of course, I would never say out loud that watching 24 or The Office is more important to me than reading God's Word, but sometimes, that's what my actions convey to my God. I would never list working out as more important to me than my relationship with Christ, but in a given month, I wonder what my bank statement shows.

This series of events sparked a conversation between my husband and me about our financial and scheduling decisions. James and I are not financially well off by any stretch of the means. With both of us juggling careers, ministry and the last year of our master's degrees, time is scarce too. And the decisions we make on how to spend our money and our time probably will never make sense to nonbelievers.

But it gets even tougher than that. There are only two categories of people when it comes to God - those who are His children and those who are not. God's Word tells us that the gate that leads to eternal life is narrow, and few will find it (Matthew 7:14). A few verses later, He gives an analogy that a good tree cannot produce bad fruit, meaning the way we live our lives is evidence of our relationship with Jesus (Matthew 7:16-20).

In the church, though, we don't talk about that much. We don't dwell on the truth of God's words in Revelation 3:15-16: "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

When someone makes a decision to be radically sold out for Jesus Christ, it comes with incredible blessings. Gifts from God trump anything that we could ever recieve from anyone else. But identifying yourself with Him also comes with division (Luke 12:51). Chooisng to follow Christ will not only draw lines between those who are hot and others who are cold, but it will stir up conflicted values and priorities among those who are hot and those who are lukewarm.

I am no longer praying for peace. I am praying that God will kindle a fire in my life and in the lives of my family and friends for Him. We are imperfect people, and it is only in drawing near to the Father and allowing Him to move through us that our hearts will be aligned with His.

I realize that the chance that everyone I am close to having similar convictions is slim to none. But I am praying that I will be strong enough to withstand the rejection when it comes and that I will become more in line with Christ with each day that passes.

Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 4 have challenged me while God has been teaching me about this lately, so I leave you with this passage, hoping His Word speaks to you as it has encouraged me.

So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Now, brothers, I have applied these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, so that you may learn from us the meaning of the saying, "Do not go beyond what is written." Then you will not take pride in one man over against another. For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! You have become kings—and that without us! How I wish that you really had become kings so that we might be kings with you! For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men. We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children. Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. For this reason I am sending to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church.

Some of you have become arrogant, as if I were not coming to you. But I will come to you very soon, if the Lord is willing, and then I will find out not only how these arrogant people are talking, but what power they have. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?

Vashti: Called to Step Down?

The book of Esther introduces us to one woman before we meet the star of the story. Meet Vashti, the queen of Persia. We meet her in the midst of celebration. While King Ahauserus was having a party for the men in the kingdom, Vashti was hosting her own banquet for the women.

Ahauserus called to Vashti to come and dance for his crowd because he wanted to show off her beauty (Esther 1:11). However, Vashti refused. With one act, Vashti had not only broken the law of the land by disobeying the king, but she had defied the rule of the home by being defiant to her husband.

The king and his men gathered to discuss what her punishment should be. Quickly, the fear among them became that all women would follow the example of Vashti and begin going against their husbands. It appears all of Persia was affected by the example of the queen. The men made a quick decision to banish Vashti from her throne and seek another queen. Because of one decision the king did not like, Vashti’s royal position was up for grabs.

I'll admit. Whenever I've read Esther before, I've rushed through this part of the story. After all, the good part starts when my girl Esther comes on the scene. But this time...I've really had a hard time getting past Vashti. I've been asking myself one question over and over again.

Was Vashti wrong?

Maybe. She might have been wrong. Selfishly, she may have been having fun with her friends and just wanted to stay at her own party. But what if that wasn't her motive? What if her response was out of respect for herself and the created purpose of a woman?

After all, the king had requested that she come dance in front of him and all of his guests. Hear me out first. While I agree that wives are called to submit to their husbands, I also know that Vashti was a human being, created in God’s image. I don’t think complying to her husband’s demands to dance in front of him and his drunk friends (who would have nothing in their hearts for her but lust) sounds like the submission described in Scripture. Her courage to protect her dignity and purity would be admirable in this case.

On this earth, we may never know the motive behind Vashti’s actions. Scripture doesn't reveal her motive. However, from knowing the whole story of Esther, we can be sure of one thing. God didn’t need Vashti in place to save His people. He needed a Jew so He made arrangements to bring Esther into power.

But what about Vashti? She was banished into exhile in a world whee news of the deliverance of the Jews may have taken years to reach her...or may have never reached her at all. She couldn't check Esther's Facebook status update: "Just saved the Jewish nation. Guess God needed me to be queen for a reason!"

I wonder how Vashti must have felt. IF (and I stress the word IF)she did refuse the king's wishes out of spiritual conviction, how do you think it felt to be removed from your position of influence for doing the right thing? Was she bitter? Did she resent God, think He was unfair and reufse to trust Him again? Or did she know in her heart that God's plan was best, thank Him for the king choosing to banish her instead of kill her and praise Him from exhile?

I guess it's always been easier for me to relate to Esther because I've always prayed for God to use me like he used Esther. Since I read this story in elementary school, I've prayed for courage to step up. I've prayed for a position of influence so I could make a difference for him. Sure, Esther had to take risks, and she took some pretty hard knocks in life (death of both of her parents, being raised by her older cousin, etc.), but wouldn't the satisfaction of your obedience to God's plan for your life and the perks of being queen compensate for that?

Vashti's life has helped me recognize that God might not always call us to step up. Sometimes, He may call us to step down. God choosing to use someone else doesn't neccessarily mean that we did anything wrong. It just means that He knows what we cannot know. And even though it's definitely harder to accept stepping down, shouldn't we praise Him just the same for revealing Himself to a lost world...even if He uses someone else to do it?

As I have been wrestling with this, Steve Furtick, a pastor in North Carolina, eluded to this same idea with a Twitter post just last week. It simply said, "Motive check: What if God does everything you ask Him to do in your city, but He does it through someone else's ministry?" (Follow him by clicking here.)

This doesn't mean we shouldn't desire to be used like Esther. But it does mean that if instead, God calls us to step down like Vashti, we should praise him and trust Him just the same.

My prayers are different now. Instead of requesting favor, I'm asking for wisdom to trust Him in decision making. I don't want to doubt his response to my prayers. Sometimes, I will like His answer, but at other times, I'm sure I will not understand His choice. I want to fully grasp with my words and my actions that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, just as Isaiah 55:8-9 teaches.

A Thanksgiving Project

My husband and I always look forward to Thanksgiving. Since we're in Texas and our families are in Tennessee, we only see one another two or three times a year. Usually by Thanksgiving, it's been six months since we've seen them, so it's always a fun reunion. Since my dad's parents and sister live about 30 minutes away from James' immediate family, Thanksgiving is unique for us because we get to have both of our immediate families together for at least part of one day. Christmas leaves us driving back and forth between his hometown of Huntingdon in west TN and my hometown of Knoxville in east TN. Thanksgiving gives us as a chance to rest and really enjoy our families.

The only complaint I ever have is just how stuffed I feel as we drive home. In fact, last year as we drove back from Thanksgiving, James and I never really stopped to eat a meal. We were so full from a complete dinner at my aunt's house on Thursday, then another full holiday meal the next day at his grandmother's house. Just yesterday, I recounted this complaint. It's the only thing I dislike about the holiday: feeling uncomfortably stuffed!

God really convicted me of how blessed I am (and have no right to complain) when I discovered across a new organization this morning: Project Nicaragua. Project Nicaragua is the first social project of One Thread Outfitters.

This December, the brains behind the ministry, Mark and Patrick, are kicking things off with a drop to Managua, Nicaragua. They will be traveling with the non-profit organization, Chosen Children Ministries, to deliver food, clothing, and, more importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ. They will be going to several villages and orphanages in the Managua area, delivering items to men, women, and children in severe need.

Nicaragua is the third poorest country in the Americas, with over 2.3 million of its citizens affected by poverty and a third of whom face extreme poverty. Eighty percent of Nicaragua's roughly 5 million citizens live on less than 2USD a day, meaning a meal a day is not an expectation. That's a staggering statistic.

I was especially convicted when my quiet time this morning included reading Luke 14:12-14:

12 Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

I really admire the heart of these two guys...that they would be willing to extend their resources to those in need. But here's the good news! They are only two guys. They need our help!

Click here to visit the ministry website.

By buying a $15 shirt, you will provide a family of four with 40 meals. You can also simply donate the money if you don't want the t-shirt. All money donated goes to straight to paying for food and clothing for the people of this land and to provide the cost of the trip for Mark and Patrick. (All donations are tax-deductible, and you can email them to request a tax donation reciept.)

Want to be more involved? If you have another fundraising idea, you can email them directly from the website. They are more than willing to help you get started in helping this important cause.

You can also just tell more people about them. You can follow them on Twitter at @projnicaragua and join their Facebook group by clicking here.

Hope you are as excited to get involved as I am. I'm vowing to replace complain about eating too much this year with making sure others have food for their families this Thanksgiving. With a ten hour drive back to Texas, I have a feeling my husband will be thankful for that!

Do You Love Me? Feed My Sheep.

There's nothing quite like the kindness of a stranger. I could share a million stories of incredible things my family and close friends did for me while I was growing up. But whenever I am asked about a special memory from my childhood, there's one story that always comes to mind...and I can't even tell you his name.

We were on a church youth choir trip. My dad was the trip coordinator, so my while family tagged along. I was only five years old. When it was time to eat a meal, my dad always tried to stop at a mall. The food court was not only time efficient, but it gave more options for a variety of diet needs and taste preferences and gave everyone a chance to walk and stretch their legs after several hours on the bus.

As you can imagine, being an active five-year-old, I was done with sitting down by this point. I ate my meal in record speed. Since our table was right outside Bath and Body Works, I asked my mom if I could go in the store and look around. My mom was hesitant, but since she could see inside the store, she agreed.

I walked in and immediately began picking up everything labeled "tester" I could get my hands on. I would simply open it, smell it, and set it back down where I found it. I could only reach the bottom row, so I quickly ran out of new options to smell. Not ready to head back to sit down, I simply wert back to the front of the store and started down the line again.

There was a man working in the store. I noticed he was watching me, but I wasn't hurting anything, so I kept moving down the line: picking the tester up, smelling it and setting it back down. Then, I noticed he was walking towards me.

"Would you like to smell something from one of the other rows?" he asked.

Knowing I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers, I nodded. He began helping me with my pattern. He would pick up something from the rows I couldn't reach, let me smell it and put it back where it went. He continued this pattern until I had successfully smelled every scent the store had to offer.

My mom noticed that I had been gone for quite some time. When she saw the man helping me, she decided it was time to come get me. After all, I wasn't a buying customer. She didn't want him wasting his time.

She reached her hand out to me. "Come on, Michelle. Let's go take a walk down the mall now." She turned to the gentleman. "Thank you."

"Could you hang on just one second?" he asked my mom. "I'll be right back."

Confused, but willing to comply, my mom and I waited as he walked into the employee room in the back of the store. When he walked back toward us, I noticed he had two boxes in his hands. He opened them both to me to reveal two different scented soaps.

"Which one do you like best?" he asked. He held them up while I smelled them both several times. They both smelled good, so I wanted to make the right decision.

Finally, I pointed to the purple-colored soap (that I now know was Lavender Vanilla). "This one," I said, decisively.

"Okay, wait right there," he said. I watched in amazement as he went behind the counter, got one of the store's gift bags and wrapped the soap I picked in tissue paper and tied the package with a bow.

"Here you go," he said, handing me the bag.

I, of course, lit up like a Christmas tree. "Oh, we can't take that," my mom said. "I'm sorry I sent her in here alone. She just wanted to..."

He cut my mom off mid-sentence. "She was so good in here, careful not to spill anything or open a bottle that wasn't labeled as a 'tester.' I'd like for her to have the soap if it's alright with you."

My mom agreed. "What do you say, Michelle?"

"Thank you so much," I told him. "I'll take good care of it," I promised.

He laughed. "Just promise me you'll enjoy it," he said. He waved and moved on to help another customer.

Even then, as a five-year-old, I knew that I had experienced an abnormal act of kindness. When we got home after the trip, my mom started to open the box to put the soap in my bathroom.

"No," I insisted. "I want to keep it in the box."

"Why?" she asked, obviously puzzled.

"Because I want to save it...as a reminder to be kind to others. That man didn't have to give me that soap, but he did."

I don't think my mom knew what to say, but she put the soap back in the box. It stayed on my dresser in my room for the next ten years. Finally, when I was 15 and we were moving across the state, I decided it was time to use the soap. After all, I wasn't sure what six hours in a moving van would do to it.

However, the memory of that day is etched in my mind as if that box were still sitting on my dresser as a daily reminder. I was especially reminded of it today as I read Matthew 25:34-46:

34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ 41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

How we treat others reveals our true devotion to Christ. Infact, before Jesus ascended to heaven after dying on the cross, he asked Peter the same question three times. Jesus said, "Peter, do you love me?" After Peter responded, "Yes, LORD, You know all things. You know that I love you," notice Jesus' response. He says phrases like, "Tend my sheep" or "Feed my lambs." (John 21:15-17) In other words, the best way we can show Jesus that we love Him is by caring for others.

Reflect on your own life. When is a time that you have seen Christ reflected in the way they treated you? Thank God for those momemts and pray God will give you opportunities to shine in someone else's life for His glory.

I'm not sure I'll ever see that man who worked in Bath and Body Works again, but the impact his small action had on my life is significant.

Do you love Him? Feed His sheep.

Do you love Him? Tend His lambs.

Because I Love You

Humbling moments. We all have them. Whether they come at the perfect time or couldn’t occur at a worse moment, it is in our most humble moments that we sometimes get the best perspective.

My latest humbling moment - and they DO happen frequently – took place this morning. This is going to be an extremely busy semester, and I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for it since around Thanksgiving. Frantically attempting to cram our crazy life into seven 24-hour days looked as jumbled in my planner as it felt in my mind.

Full-time job, pastor’s wife, seminary student, fitness coach…where does it all fit? Not to mention my husband’s insane schedule. James and I don’t even have kids in the mix (unless you count the 70+ in the college ministry), and we already feel time collapsing around us. I can hear the same advice I’ve heard from a million sources in my life echo in my head: “Your life will never be any easier than it is right now.”

That advice makes me sick to stomach.

I think I have equal respect and resentment for the women in my life who have modeled being a pastor’s wife well for me. How did they make it look effortless? As many times as I have seen this selfless life lived out through countless staff wives, (And as a pastor’s kid, I’ve even seen it in my own home), I never realized how challenging it is.

Most of them have full-time service-based jobs (teachers, nurses, secretaries, etc.), and come home to endless tasks including cooking, cleaning up after dinner, laundry, and helping kids with their homework. Maybe a couple in her husband’s ministry needs some counseling, so they might come over after the kids are asleep. Or she might cook a double recipe to take dinner to a church member who had a relative pass away. Finally, when her work is done, she lays down to sleep – only to get up the next day and do it all over again.

I never knew how exhausting it must have been for my mom to rush in from work, quickly change her clothes, and jump back in the car to take me wherever I needed to be next. I know there were a few times that I thanked her, but I know it wasn’t every time. Not even close.

I was sitting at my desk at work about to begin my next task when I saw I had a new email. It was from my mom, and the subject simply said: Because I love you! At the sight of my mom’s email address, I felt water form in my eyes. Speaking of incredible pastor’s wives, here’s the queen herself. I’m not sure that little girl in me will ever go away. My mother may have transitioned in my life to be one of my best friends, but she will still always be my mommy too.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the message and read:

My dear Michelle,

I know you and James are extremely busy right now. I wish I could just sneak in your house and clean it from top to bottom, get all the clothes washed and back in the closets and drawers, strip the bed and get fresh linens on it, go to the grocery store and get all your favorite foods and stock your refrigerator and pantry, gather up the trash and organize the garage, set the table and have the house filled with the aroma of a home cooked meal, fluff the pillows on the couch and have a bottled water sitting on the side table for both of you, have a few lamps lit and a candle burning and leave a note that reads, "Because I love you!"

Love,
Mom

My damp eyes turned to waterworks. Guilt washed over me as I realized the difference between me and the pastors’ wives I admire: Serving isn’t a responsibility to them. It’s not a task to be completed, a line to check off their to-do list. It’s a pleasure.

II Corinthians 9:6-15 says, “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. As it is written, “He has distributed freely, he has given to the poor;
His righteousness endures forever.” He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God. For the ministry of this service is not only supplying the needs of the saints but is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God. By their approval of this service, they will glorify God because of your submission flowing from your confession of the gospel of Christ, and the generosity of your contribution for them and for all others, while they long for you and pray for you, because of the surpassing grace of God upon you. Thanks be to God for His inexpressible gift!”

It isn’t my schedule that needs to change. It’s my heart. I am worthless on my own, but God can do all things through me. It’s not about people seeing what I am doing for others, or where I am serving or giving of my time – it’s about others giving recognition to the God I am serving.

My mom challenged me today to truly be Christ to those I am around – to serve as Jesus did. My prayer is that God will work through me, and no matter how big or small I am able to serve, rather than seeing a 24 year-old still seeking to grow in her faith, that a lost world will hear our Mighty God whisper, “Because I love you.”

Michelle's Christmas List: Faith Like A Child

Yesterday, James and I went to our sixth Christmas party in 8 days. I know school is out, but it seems like life hasn't slowed down yet. After work, I've rushed home, cooked something to take with us, hopped in the car, and headed out to that evening's Christmas destination.

Our Christmas parties are over, but the travels have just begun. I have a date with the laundry room tonight, then tomorrow, James and I work in the morning, pack in the afternoon, attend the Christmas Eve service, head home, load the car, and head for Tennessee. ETA? 3 a.m. The day after Christmas, we'll head to Knoxville to see my family, spend 2 days there, come back to his family's house for one more day, make the 10-hour drive back to Texas on New Year's Eve...where we are invited to two parties that night.

Don't get me wrong. We are both blessed with amazing family, friends and co-workers. Though it has been party overload, we enjoyed ourselves everywhere we went, and we can't wait to see our family in Tennessee. However, as I pulled out my calendar of the busy party week now behind us and our busy travel schedule ahead, I realized something was missing.

My third grade teacher was the first person to introduce me to a planner. We were only required to keep up with our homework assignments, but I also loved keeping track of important dates - holidays, birthdays, etc. That year, I remember drawing a birthday cake on December 25. On the top of the cake, I wrote in my best handwriting, "Happy Birthday, Jesus!"

This morning, fifteen years later, December 25 on my calendar was blank.

Feeling guilty, I pulled out my Bible. Fighting back tears, I opened to Luke 2.

In those days, a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all went to be registered, each to his own town. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. - Luke 2:1-6 (ESV)

Closing my eyes, I imagined Joseph and Mary traveling to Bethlehem from Nazareth...As I pictured the pain and rejection Joseph and Mary being turned away, the tears finally came. Not because of Joseph's humiliation in feeling like he could not provide for his family. Not because they had to sleep outside. Not because Mary had to give birth without any of her family present. Though that breaks my heart, my tears came because I realized that with this year's chaotic schedule, I'm every bit as guilty as every person that turned Joseph and Mary away. I haven't made room for Jesus either.

I've made every desert and appetizer known to man in the past 2 weeks. I've searched for perfect presents, spent way too much time creating crazy white elephant gifts, fought the mall & Super Wal-Mart, stood in countless lines, wrapped presents, decorated my Christmas tree, perfectly coordinated my schedule...but today was the first day that I've really taken time to reflect on the Christ of Christmas... outside of church.

Sure, I've had my quiet time. I've prayed. But even as a third grader, I had a better grasp of what it meant to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. That year, my neighbor, who was Jewish, and I were playing outside.

"What are you doing tonight?" Rachel asked.

"We're decorating the Christmas tree!" I boasted proudly.

She looked at me with a blank stare. "What's a Christmas tree?"

My mouth dropped open. How could she not know what a Christmas tree was? "Come on!" I insisted, grabbing her hand. "I've already got one up in my room. I'll show you!"

We scurried up the stairs and into my bedroom to admire my tree (that couldn't have been more than two feet tall).

"It's pretty," she admitted. "But what's it for?"

Without hesitation, I began telling her everything I had learned in Sunday School - everything from the birth of God's son as a baby to His death on the cross and his promise to come back for those who believed in Him.

Rachel nodded along as I talked. We had forgotten to tell her parents where we were going, so it wasn't too long after my story that her mom showed up on our doorstep.

"Michelle showed me her Christmas tree, Mom," Rachel said. "How come we don't have a Christmas tree?"

I remember her mother taking Rachel by the hand and taking her out of our house without another word to me or my parents. Rachel wasn't allowed to come over to our house after that.

But I didn't know that I shouldn't tell her something that was different than what her parents taught her. I didn't know what it meant to be politically correct and religiously tolerant. I just knew that I was telling her the truth and that I wanted my friend to believe in Jesus.

In Matthew 18, the disciples asked who is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven. Jesus called a child and put him in the midst of the disciples. "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4)

So this morning, I got my planner back out, dug some highlighters out of my desk, and began drawing a birthday cake on the square for December 25. I still have two days left before Christmas, and I'm not going to waste it. Sure, there will still be travels, presents, and family like before. But this year, I'm asking God for a Christmas present. I'll have to earn it, but I'll need His grace and blessing too.

This year, I want faith like a child.

Happy birthday, Jesus.

Reality Check: Almost Doesn't Count

God has been teaching me a lot lately about who He is and who I am. As I’ve studied His attributes in comparison with my human nature, here is what I’ve discovered:

He is supreme. I am dependent on Him.
He is holy. I am sinful.
He is pure. I am corrupt.
He is true. I am deceitful.
He is righteous and just. I am immoral and undeserving.
He responds to unholiness with wrath. Sometimes, I don’t even notice.
He is unconditional love. I am situationally selfish – loving and hating who and what is convenient for me.
He is goodness. I have a sin nature.
He is gracious. I am disrespectful.
He is merciful. I am heartless.
He is steadfast. I am unstable.
He is spiritual. I am worldly.
He is wisdom. I am foolish.
He is faithful. I am a traitor.
He is peaceful. I am rebellious.
He is perfection. I am flawed.
He is glory. I am shame.

As I’ve grown in my walk with the Lord, I’ve turned over nearly every aspect of my life to Him. And until this weekend, I’ve been okay with that. But I know that’s not good enough. God doesn’t want nearly every aspect of my life. HE WANTS MY WHOLE LIFE.

However, there are a few areas where my flesh has continually refused to submit control over to God. Looking at the characteristics of God above and comparing them with the standards of the world, I have to wonder - what am I really holding onto? Rebellion? Sin? Shame? Why would I consciously do that when I have the opportunity to have a complete new life in Christ? II Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Imagine getting a new pair of jeans. They are the perfect shade of denim. They actually fit in length, waist, and hips. (As a female, a practically impossible feat!) In addition to feeling as soft as sweatpants, they were given to you for free. Your old jeans are about an inch too big in the waist, could stand to have a little more room around the hips, and they are only the perfect length with your tallest pair of boots. Not to mention, they have permanent grass stains, a hole in a place that no one would call fashionable and a zipper that only goes up halfway.

The next morning, you go to your closet to get dressed for the day. Which pair of jeans would you get? The new ones, of course! So why am I capable of seeing the obvious choice in this situation, but continue to put on my old life with all of its flaws when Christ has given me the option of Him living through me in new life? Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Later, in Galatians 5:24, Paul writes, “And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” If I haven’t turned over all of my personal passions and desires, do I really belong to Christ?
This past weekend, 412 Ministries (http://college.fielder.org) had the privilege of hosting the Jeff Johnson Band for RED RIVER LIVE, an evangelistic effort alongside the infamous Texas Longhorns/Oklahoma Sooners rivalry. Jeff Johnson’s lyrics to “Ruin Me” were the tipping point for what I am praying is my complete self-death.

The song’s lyrics are, “Woe to me, I am unclean - a sinner found in Your presence. I see you, seated on Your throne – exalted, Your Glory surrounds You. Now, the plans that I have made fail to compare when I see your glory. Ruin my life, the plans I have made. Ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken Your place 'till its You alone I live for, You alone I live for. Holy, holy is the Lord Almighty! Holy is the Lord!”

The song comes from Isaiah 6, when Isaiah sees God sitting on His throne. He is so overwhelmed by God’s presence that he realizes how much he truly needs a Savior. Isaiah – one of the greatest prophets of the Old Testament – realizing His shame before Almighty God. Once He saw God’s power, His life changed. The plans he had were ruined because Isaiah finally realized how insignificant he was in comparison to the Lord.

In Isaiah 6:8, Isaiah hears the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Isaiah responds, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah didn’t wait to find out what the assignment was. He didn’t see if it conveniently fit with his work schedule. He heard God’s voice, and He responded immediately. In Genesis 12:1, God told Abram (later Abraham) to leave his country and his family to go “to the land which I will show you.” Genesis 12:4 records that Abram “went forth.” He didn’t even know where He was going, but He knew He was following the Lord, and that was all that mattered.

If you’ve read my testimony, you know that I battled anorexia for four years. While I no longer give into Satan’s temptations to restrict food content, I have also not relinquished control of my personal appearance to God. There are days where the priority of my workout comes before my personal time of Bible study and reflection. There are days when I worry more about gaining weight than the genuine prayer concerns of my family and friends. Although I know that children are a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3), I often find myself fearful of what pregnancy will do to alter my body.

There is nothing wrong with staying healthy through exercise. However, there is something wrong with valuing something as fleeting as beauty when the fear of the Lord should be the ultimate goal of a Godly woman (Proverbs 31:30).

God has ruined areas of my life before. He ruined my life when I didn’t win Miss Tennessee. I had such great intentions of using the title to spread the Gospel across my state. Plus, I would have had the opportunity to compete for the title of Miss America and be able to share His love with our country. I prayed for God to either open this door or close it. But judging from my good intentions of using the title to further His Kingdom, how could God not be on board that was the perfect plan for me?

But He wasn’t on board. Not only did I not win, but I was the only preliminary winner that didn’t make the Top 10. Watching my hard work go down the drain as my life was ruined right before my eyes as the crown went on another girl’s head, I clearly felt God’s presence and His voice say, “You asked me to open this door or close it. Not crack the door, let you make the top 10, then gently shut it. So, I slammed it.”

His plan for ruining my life included me moving to Texas to begin seminary. Three weeks after the move, I met the man I married five months ago. Seeing the full picture now of God’s intentions in ruining my life, I would have him ruin my life over and over again to be where I am right now, serving in ministry alongside my husband. Because when God truly ruins your life and you submit control to Him, reward and blessing will follow. These gifts may not always appear on this earth, but His gifts are eternal, fully capable of surpassing the human boundaries of time.

This is my public request for God to ruin my life - once and for all. Not just most areas, but all of me - whatever that may mean. I am releasing all that I am to Him and His control. I have a feeling I am in much better hands that way.

Finish Line Faith

The Olympic Games...two solid weeks of athletic competition and patriotism. The media switched their focus from the presidential election to cover table tennis. Kids were allowed to stay up past their bedtimes to see if Shawn Johnson would win the overall title. Companies like Wheaties, VISA, and Coca Cola developed new logos to capture new comsumers by manipulating the spirit of the games for their products.

You would think anything that would alter life so drastically would have more of a lasting impact. But even though details were fresh on our minds before each competiton began, there is one thing we remember when it's over: the winner.

Think about it. In the 100 meter men's sprint, can you tell me which runner took the first lead? No. How about second place? Probably not. But what can you tell me?

As a runner, you can probably tell me that Jamaica's Usain Bolt broke his own world record in that race to win the gold. He joined the ranks of Carl Lewis in winning gold in both the 100m and 200m. Not to mention, he shattered Michael Johnson's record that no one thought would ever be broken.

Do you see a pattern here? No one remembers how you started unless you finish well.

Let's go through two Biblical examples. First, let's talk about Judas Iscariot. He started out pretty well. He was one of the original twelve disciples of Jesus. I'm sure his family and friends thought he was a good man to be that close to Jesus. But what is he remembered for? He was the one who betrayed Jesus Christ. For thirty pieces of silver, he handed his Savior over to be crucified. (See John 18 for the whole story.)Today, if someone betrays you, you may even call them a "Judas." No matter what good he did with his life, even 2,000 years later, he is not remembered for accompanying Jesus for his three years of ministry on this earth. He is remembered as a traitor.

On the other hand, consider the apostle Paul. He got off to a pretty rocky start. First of all, his name was Saul. You know what he did all day? Persecuted Christians. (Check out Acts 8 for the details.) But the Lord had other plans. He blinded Saul with a great light, Saul was converted, and God changed his name from Saul to Paul. God told Ananias, Paul's teacher, that Paul was a "chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel." (Acts 9:15) From that moment on, that's exactly what Paul did. He preached the Gospel to those who had not heard the name of Jesus. He wrote over half of the New Testament. He started more churches that we can even begin to count. When we think about Paul, we don't think about the innocent Christians that he killed in his life before Christ. We think about the amazing relationship he had with the Lord and the amazing testimony of his life, bearing the name of Christ, proclaiming joy in persecution and suffering.

Think about this in your own Christian life. After you make a decision for Christ, things are going pretty well. You pray and read your Bible. You might even tell someone else about Jesus. But what happens? Life starts getting busy. Priorities change. Before you know it, your relationship with God is about as meaningful as your relationship to your sixth cousin twice removed.

In 2 Timothy 4:7, towards the end of his life, Paul wrote, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." Paul may not hsve had the lead at the beginning of his Christian walk. In fact, he wasn't even in the race. Others who got a better start dropped out along the way. Their endurance couldn't take the pressures that are promised to us when we follow Christ.

Jesus didn't teach that we might face hardship. He assured us that it was inevitable. Matthew 10:22-23, Jesus says, "You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved. But whenever they persecute you in one city, flee to the next; for truly I say to you, you will not finish going through the cities of Israel until the Son of Man comes." Notice that he doesn't say IF they persecute you. It says WHENEVER they persecute you.

Not everyone wins a race. It's the same way in the Christian faith. Jesus said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few." (Matthew 9:37). Paul had what it took because he understood what it meant to cross the finish line. He practiced the same message He preached. And here's just another amazing fact about our incredible Father God. He doesn't just give gold medals to those who finish first. He gives a gold medal to everyone who finishes BEST.

In I Corinthians 9:24-27, Paul writes, "Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Oherwise, I fear thst after preaching it to others, I myself might be disqualified."

You may be a casual runner like me. I'll never win a gold medal in the Olympics for Track & Field. I'll never know what it feels like to stand up on that top box while the Star-Spangled Banner plays in the background with a gold medal around my neck...until I get to heaven. To hear God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," will overshadow any Olympic ceremony.

I remember training for my first marathon. I followed the training plan exactly...until two weeks before the race when an injury kept me from running the race. I trained for months and had nothing to show for it. I did get another chance. Above, you see me crossing the finish line and beaming for the camera.

As a marathon runner, I'm continually asked, "What in the world motivates you to keep running for 26.2 miles?" Easy - the accomplishment in crossing the finsish line. That doesn't mean it wasn't difficult...that I didn't hit the infamous "wall" at Mile 20. But I pushed past the pain, and the finish line was well worth it. When you think about it, the Christian life is the same way. Some miles are harder than others. It can even hurt.

But having faith - finish-line faith - will always be worth it.

Suffering for Jesus

II Timothy 2:1-6 is one of my favorite passages of Scripture. It's also one of the hardest to follow. When I get to heaven, I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to ask Paul every question that I have for him. From all of the analogies he makes to running, I'm pretty sure that he was a runner. We're going to have to so run a little ultra-marathon on the streets of gold, and that might begin to cover Round 1 of my interview.

When I need to be encouraged, I find myself turning to one of Paul's letters. When I need to be reminded why I'm a Christian, I am drawn to his writings. However, most of the time when I read the text that came from his pen, I end up challenged and humbled. There are many lessons to learn from Paul's words here... let's break it down one piece at a time and see what we find.

"You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus."

Your strength comes from Christ. So did Paul's. Think about how brave he had to be. How many times was he thrown in prison? How often was he persecuted? Yet, he continued teaching and preaching with boldness. He wasn't a quiet Christian. With courage, he proclaimed the gospel wherever he went. That kind of strength can't be found in our weak flesh. But Paul never boasted about his bravery. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." He knew where his strength came from. Do you?

"The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses..."

Make your Christianity contageious. Many people followed Paul...why? I mean, he traveled from town to town, had no home, no shower, no bed...are you following me? He would have been dirty...and probably smelled pretty bad. Why would he have a huge crowd hanging on to his every word? Because people saw something that they didn't have, and they wanted it. Live your life in a way that is different so people will desire to "catch" your relationship with Christ.

"...entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also."

You should be mentoring and teaching others. And no, you are not too young to do so. In Paul's first letter to Timothy, he writes, "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity; show yourself an example of those who believe." You are never too young to make an impact for Christ. You remember the disciple John - the one that Jesus entrusted his mother to when he was dying on the cross? According to historial records, he was a teenager when he was an apostle. Jesus trusted him enough to ask him to take care of his mother after his death. He might give you a huge responsibility too!

"Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus."

Difficult times come as a package deal with the gift of salvation. Hebrews 12:7 says, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?" God uses hard times as teachable moments. I know there were times when my earthly father knew that I was not doing the right thing. Sometimes, he intervened, and at other times, he let me learn the hard way. My daddy learned this approach from God. He uses difficult situations to discipline us, just like a loving parent.

"No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier."

If you get caught up in the things of this world, you will miss chances to please God. Think about those soldiers that stand outside palaces - the ones that aren't allowed to move. They risk being fired if they blink too much! When they are on duty, they cannot be distracted by anything (even when obnoxious tourists try to do anything they can to make them laugh - not that I would know!) Christians are the same way. We cannot be distracted by the things of this world. We are to concetrate on carrying out the commands given to us by Christ.

"Also if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not win the prize unless he competes according to the rules."

In the Christian life, winning revolves around obedience. God blesses those who obey Him. Also, keep in mind that we will not always be rewarded on this earth. So when you think that you are being obedient and God is not blessing you, be patient. Your eternal reward is waiting for you. This can be hard, especially when it can seem that others around you are disobedient and appear to have everything. But don't give up. When others slip, be obedient. You will never regret it, and you will win in the end.

"The hard-working farmer ought to be the first to receieve his share of the crops."

Often, things don't happen as they "ought" to. Be prepared to take the back seat. I'm the first to admit that I love the spotlight. Who doesn't? Applause. Approval. Acceptance. I don't think anyone could honestly admit that those things don't mean something to them. But it's easy for your acts of service to be overlooked. Sometimes, people get used to them. They may even learn to expect you to go above the beyond - and many times, take you for granted. But do not let yourself be discouraged and cling to the truth in Colossians 3:23-24. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve."